Welcome to The Bachelor 2019

Well it’s that time of year again. Cancel all of your mid-week social engagements, the mind-numbing and stupefying fiasco that is The Bachelor is back. And since the Bachelor sweeps were printed for me and placed on my desk, I guess so is my satirical running commentary on just how ridiculous the entire show is and that finding love on national TV is a total farce. Except for Laura and 3 seasons ago cute as button Matty J. They just had a baby. Oh and Sam and Snez. And Anna and Tim Robards, what a handsome pair. I’m seriously not that into it, I swear. I only applied to the show one time, I didn’t realise there was a height restriction (insert sad face). But I’m being overtly negative already. I’m sorry… it’s just that the whole honey-badger ordeal still has me shook. Who can remember Brook and Shannon making it all the way to the end, only to both get dumped so the Honey Badger could run away with his own hair. Here’s a man who’s compliment to a woman was “You’re as tough as woodpecker lips.” Umm, not even kidding. This year though, looks to be a bit different. Ladies and Gents, please meet Matt Agnew. Matt is a 31 year old Astrophysicist. *swoooooon* I see channel 10 has learnt from their mistakes, and instead of putting in some meat head man-child rugby player, they’ve put in a well-spoken, intelligent and charismatic man. Oh yes, we are in for quite the ride. What are the chances of channel 10 being extra careful in the casting of this year’s single ladies so they put in women of equal measure? Oh please let Vanessa Sunshine come back. Maybe we should open a sportsbet account, because I think not. How do I know? On meeting our Bachie, one lady asks his profession, in a completely predicable diatribe, Matt replies with “I’m an astrophysicist, what about you?,” to which she replies “Oh interesting… I’m a Gemini.” Sorry, I can’t come into work tomorrow, I face palmed myself so hard I knocked out some of my own teeth.

We’ve got some new faces to the team since the last sweeps were run so here’s the rules. If you’re in, just like Melbourne Cup sweeps you can pick a name out of a hat. Bundy peeps, this will done for you. Your names will be assigned to your ladies, you get to enjoy Suzi recaps for the next 10 GLORIOUS weeks until it’s last lady standing and Matt finds love. Aww, see we’re all winners (there will be a small prize. It’s not my love, sorry).

Original participants, you’re opted in but here’s your chance to opt out (Joel, I’m looking at you since I forced you to participate last year and you made it all the way to the end, much to everyone else’s disgust). New peeps, or peeps replacing, this is your chance to participate. If you feel like anyone else needs a laugh, feel free to forward, but you’ve only got till tomorrow lunch time before names are drawn. To keep the laughs rolling on I’ll also be providing you with a link to Punkee recaps (Suzi does not endorse watching this on company time or equipment but also doesn’t have the will to police *shrug) and one last thing… If you want something fun to do while you’re watching, take a shot of your favourite alcoholic beverage everyone someone says “I’m here to find love.” (Suzi doesn’t endorse this either because you might die).

Happy Bacheloring Suzi

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