So, in case you’ve been living under a rock, The Bachelor 2019 Season Finale happened last night and I have to say, it filled some voids in my heart that I didn’t know were even empty. I lie, they’re all empty. They jetted off to South Africa this time, in a move that would have particularly angered Helena, since who doesn’t love an all expenses paid trip back to the mother country. Our Bachie Matt has some serious soul searching to do in order to decide whether his brain or his…. Eh hem… Other brain (?)… should prevail. Anyway, he enlists the help of his two best mates so welcome back to ballbuster best-mate-Kate and her side kick Jason! Remember Kate? She’s been in love with Matt for 20+ years now, but the best part about watching her on the show previously was her very outwardly expressed dislike for Abbie. It goes as well as expected, with plenty of side clips of Abbie whinging to the camera “like omg she IS SO MEAN.” So dear reader, you know in your heart of hearts, the decision has been made. The rest of the show is just a formality. The mates meet Chelsie and it’s mostly like “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Last single dates of the season with Abbie first up. Some rando picnic with no food as to not attract hyenas. I’m SO PLEASED I never have to write about their “sexual chemistry” anymore, but even more pleased not to be witness to seriously the most awkward kissing technique I’ve seen in my life. I don’t know, maybe I’m doing it wrong, but you don’t open your mouth the whole way do you? She looks like she’s mid dental exam and he looks like he’s bobbing for apples. Gross dude. My favourite part of their date was her little side panel discussion with the production crew where she goes “I’ve never had anyone openly dislike me before, so I’m pretty confident he’s going to pick me.” Maybe not openly, darling. Chelsie’s date is cute… they go on an Animal Safari with the lead singer from Metallica, who appears to have put on some weight. Afterwards they take a dip in the pool and FINALLY Chels drops the L bomb and he’s all like smoootch and it’s so cute I could die… Please hurry up and get married and have babies.
It’s show time… Matt takes his spot up there on the over flowered podium, set against the picturesque mountainous backdrop. We see a car pulling up. Now, we know historically, because we’ve all watched the Bachelor for years, that the LOOSER’s car ALWAYS pulls up first because you want to finish on a high note, right? Expecting to see Abbie’s green shoes from under the car door, my reaction to seeing Chelsie get out of the car first could only be described as visceral. A noise escaped my lips I’d never heard myself make before. I think it was part of my soul escaping and what I was eating at the time (Brodies cheeseburger, so delish) ended up hurled at the TV, which I missed and now I can’t get the ketchup stain off the wall. I felt the tears welling in my eyes. Love really is dead.
But hold on what’s this? The other car…. And then Abbie gets out. Now both women are out of their cars…. BUT WHO IS WALKING UP THE PATH!? We see a shimmer from behind a tree. OH MY GOD… PSYCH, CHANNEL TEN! We’ve all been fooled!! It’s Abbie! Abbie makes her way up the path with that smug look on her face and what follows is the best 5 minutes of TV I’ve seen in a while. Abbie gets dumps, gets angry, is like whatever I’m not even hurt, violently pulls her hands away from Matt, I’m fine, I’m just pissed about having to fly home, then cries. Don’t worry darling, like all 23 year old’s, you’re about 10 black Smirnoffs and a Contiki tour away from getting over him.
So, ladies and gentleman. Our humble and wholesome nerd Chelsie wins, which means congratulations to Stew, our winner of this years sweeps. Chelsie’s reaction to being told she was loved reconfirms that there really is someone out there for everyone, and it’s worth searching for. I’m also pleased to report, they’ve been together since the show first went to air.
Runner up prizes (that consist of nothing) go to the following participants:
Seasons most cringe worthy moment: Sogand (Jess) – that belly dance was so awkward I’m still researching if the technology from Total Recall is available so I can have it removed from my brain
Most horse-like face: Nikki (Amie) – How do we get to a place in human evolution where your chin and teeth end up as long as an adult forearm?
Most underrate contestant: Julia (Joel) the sweet lil Ukelela player who got 2 minutes of airtime, but a lifetime spot on my Bachie fav contestants list
Best phrase of the season: Monique (Pete) – For calling our Bachie a Dog Carrot.
Biggest pain in the ar5e/season villain: Abbie Gemini (Will) – There always has to be one, so if the shoe fits. Tbh, so surprised the journey lasted as long as it did.
Legend award: Rachel (Niraj): For knowing she’d never get anywhere with the Bach and giving her number to one of the crew.
I hope you enjoyed the Bach recaps for 2019. If you want me to write them again next year, I’ll only do it for bottles of wine, 1 per episode.