HOLY BATMAT!!! What an incredible 48 hours in Honey Badger Territory!
I almost had to request an emergency day of leave to spend all day in bed crying after the combined emotional beating I copped watching The Bachelor finale this week.
Firstly, can we just talk about how Australia was collectively destroyed when Brooke just WALKED OUT on the Honey Badger!? Spouting some non sense like “I wish he’d tell me he liked me” *eye roll emoji****. Honey, if he didn’t like you, you wouldn’t have made it to the final week? Amirite?? I’m sure it’s not just me, we all thought Brooke was going to be the winner and that wasn’t the case so he took over doe-eyed Sophie and Gal Gadot instead, for lack of better options, to New Caledonia. Why?
Anyway, I was calling it right from the start. Even though I COINCIDENTALLY ended up a finalist, I had Soph pegged. Why? Please read this awfully uncomfortable article on why people are subconsciously attracted to people who look like their parents – see inset left.
Anyway, back to our two girls. Britt being the “I’m ready to settle down and have 8 of your babies” Amazonian and Soph the “I just want a sink a raspberry Smirnoff and dance to Darude by Sandstorm till 4am” jack in the box. The first half of the episode is super boring and hardly worth mentioning, but it is pretty brutal because you know one of them is about to get crushed. It’s prudent at this point to let you know, that approximately mid-way through the finale episode, Mum Honey Badger said “The women are both wrong and right for Nick, but he will need to choose who’s right for him.” I’m sorry friends, but Mum’s called it first… BOTH GIRLS ARE WRONG FOR HIM!? Tell me it can’t be…. Anyway… Sophie steps out of the car first and we are all devo’d and delighted for Wonder Woman, but alas… when Brit gets to the mound, she’s also brutally dumped. “I can’t fully commit to you at this time.” The Honey Badger forced out with feigned emotion. Ah, good on your Nick. Spoken like the vast majority of men on Tinder (Oh no she didn’t?).
For the first the first time in Bachelor history, there’s no love, no happy ending, no fairy tale. So no one wins the prize. Not our finalists, me (I was going to buy myself a bottle of wine), not Joel and not Niraj. Sorry everyone. All these recaps have been for nothing, I’ve lost a full 24 hours of my life watching what’s been the worst Bachelor series ever, and I, like maybe a handful of other die hard Bachelor fans, have lost my faith in the ability to find love on a reality dating show that requires women to remain mostly scantily clad, give away their dignity, self-esteem and self-respect in order to win the affectations of a man who’s clearly devoid of moral compass and who’s sole reason for joining the show was to raise his own profile.
The only saving grace over this ridiculous eight weeks are the Punkee recaps and all the memes. Inset right is a meme from CSIRO. I had a little chortle… Here’s the Punkee season finale recap, just as hilarious as all the rest. Hope you’ve enjoyed my recaps but don’t you dare ask me to do The Bachelorette… Ali is ridiculous.